Is someone manipulating you? — Tip #28

Real-life examples I’ve seen and how to deal with them

Recently I have been in a few situations, both personal and business, where someone tried to manipulate a relationship to advance their own agenda and self‑interest rather than our mutual benefit. I’ll give you a few examples:

“What do you think about the person I hired?” Proceeds with an angry rant when negative feedback comes → Chilling effect: no real interest in feedback

“I know you are someone that cares for me. When I need you, you will be there for me” → Guilt trigger: frames your care as an obligation

“I care for you so much, you instead don’t” Repeated continuously to build a narrative even when not true → Narrative gaslighting: repeats false victimhood to rewrite reality.

“This can’t be solved, let’s move forward and talk about something else” → Avoidance/dismissal: excludes you from the conversation and moves on

This is a vast topic that could deserve its own newsletter 🤓. Deception and manipulation are stories we’ve heard since Adam and Eve: there’s a rich literature and lots of popular culture about them.

In the spirit of Don’t Panic I’ll focus on one tip and, given the topic, I’ll add a bonus one too. I am no expert in psychology, but I’ve encountered these patterns repeatedly in both relationships and business as I pursue my mission in the world 🥷.

Note that all the examples above could be positive or neutral depending on context, tone, whether they are repeated, body language, etc. Detecting manipulation is difficult because it often depends on patterns over time and can produce false positives.

What has helped me so far:

• 🫂 Friendships: Talking to someone who genuinely cares for you and, ideally, is not involved in the situation and can be neutral helps you see whether anything is wrong. A good friend will ask questions that let you reflect and interact more clearly with the “manipulator.”

• 👔 Coach/Psychotherapist: It may be expensive, but in business this can be an ultimate cheat code. A professional support can help you avoid costly mistakes. You can’t know everything; learning through experience alone can take a long time and be painful.

• 🦧 Gut Feeling: Sometimes our brain is limited by biases and stress, but you can tap into an ancient form of wisdom: your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, even if you can’t consciously explain it, slow down, take your time and combine it with other strategies.

• 🧐 Actions vs Words: Manipulators are often skilled with words. Try to stay focused on actions.

I am blessed to have a varied group of very close friends (love you guys 🫶): they keep me grounded. If I put together all their lives experiences, across cultures and countries, I definitely have a edge compared to many people: it’s my superpower. If you don’t have a strong friends circle, I feel you; because life is much harder without that support.

Your weekly tip: If you feel off when interacting with someone, slow down. Watch actions more than listen to words. Rely on close friends for a genuine, neutral point of view to help you see the situation more clearly.

Don’t forget to share this tip with a friend that may need to hear this 🫰

See you next week, until then…

Don’t Panic 😱